Tom Holt's Agent

(snipette)
>
> Oh yes! I smell my first scoop!
>
> .....or is that just gargoyle guano?
>


Tut, tut, typical tabloid inexactitude.

Abthite Gargoyles do not produce guano, they exude a distinctive
substance that tends to get colonized by certain species of lichens,
which the earwigs then help to dispose of. A nice co-operative waste
disposal operation.

As to a gargoyle on your edifice - well, if you prefer to be gargoyle-
less that's up to you, but can you really reject this little angel-ahem-
demon-um-being? <waves hand at smallish female trying to look winsome>
She's good at keeping the spiders at bay <uses a whip, naturally>, cheap
to house, perch her anywhere she won't move. Much. Well not while you're
looking. And you can incorporate the odd scraped surface trail into an
interesting rural-rustic-um-rocky look that will be the envy of all your
neighbours!

Please?

--
Diem
Guardian of Gargoyles and Woodlice

(email dm at diemzone not news)
 >> Stay informed about: Tom Holt's Agent 

diem <news.DeleteThis@diemzone.co.uk> wrote in message news:<MPG.19cb8562761d54eb9896c5.DeleteThis@news.cis.dfn.de>...
> As to a gargoyle on your edifice - well, if you prefer to be gargoyle-
> less that's up to you, but can you really reject this little angel-ahem-
> demon-um-being? <waves hand at smallish female trying to look winsome>
> She's good at keeping the spiders at bay <uses a whip, naturally>, cheap
> to house, perch her anywhere she won't move. Much. Well not while you're
> looking. And you can incorporate the odd scraped surface trail into an
> interesting rural-rustic-um-rocky look that will be the envy of all your
> neighbours!

Now I understand.

I apologise for my previous error! I had gotten the wrong end of the
gargoyle, so to speak.

Clearly this is some kind of organized vice ring!

Female gargoyle. She can be an angel or a demon, depends on your
personal tastes guv'na. Wink wink!

Whips if that's your cup of tea. And you'll have tha scars to prove
it. Just tell the neighbours it's "rustic."

Oh yes, it all becomes clear now.

RUSTIC RETREAT IS FETISHIST FANTASY!

VICE TO INVESTIGATE GARGOYLES FOR HIRE PARTY RING!

WHEN GOOD GARGOYLES GO BAD!

DIEM SPEAKS - MY NAUGHTY NIGHTS IN GROUP GARGOYLE LOVE CREVICE!
"They climbed my edifice and I found I liked it", admits Gargoyle
advocate.

Dale
Village News Hound
 >> Stay informed about: Tom Holt's Agent 

On Sun, 7 Sep 2003 21:57:12 +0100, Tom Holt <lemming.co.DeleteThis@zetnet.co.uk>
wrote:

 >The message <5200be4f.0309061900.727ddf8a.DeleteThis@posting.google.com>
 >from lisa_mettam.DeleteThis@hotmail.com (Lisa Mettam) contains these words:
 >
  >> My husband has recently finished writing a sci-fi /comedy novel that
  >> seems to fit with the general style of Tom Holt's work and I was
  >> wondering if anyone had the name of Tom's agent so we could send him a
  >> letter.
 >
  >> Thanks in advance.
 >
 >
 >I doubt very much whether anybody on this forum (a) has the relevant
 >information (b] would consider for one moment passing it on in answer to
 >such an enquiry. However, just in case, please *don't*.
 >
 >My agent, who was also one of my oldest and best friends, died very
 >recently. His widow would not appreciate unsolicited manuscripts at this
 >time.

Much sympathy to you and his widow. Original poster must be missing a
brain cell or two, your style is unique and enjoyable.

Jackie<!-- ~MESSAGE_AFTER~ -->
 >> Stay informed about: Tom Holt's Agent 

On 9 Sep 2003 08:06:08 -0700, lisa_mettam.TakeThisOut@hotmail.com (Lisa Mettam)
wrote:

 >Hi All,
 >
 >I just wanted to set the record straight regarding the initial posting
 >I asked my wife to make.
 >
 >I had no idea that Tom had recently suffered a loss, how could I know?
 >
 >I had no idea that Tom himself would take the trouble to reply
 >personally, for which I am both appreciative, and expressed my thanks
 >to him directly off this list.
 >
 >I was not looking for a personal recommendation from Tom, or anyone
 >else for that matter.
 >
 >When looking for an agent, you want someone who 'gets' what you have
 >written, and it is a good idea to find a published author in your
 >genre, find the name of their agent (which was all I asked for after
 >all) and approach them, as I said, with a query letter and not a mss.
 >
 >All I was looking for was the name and possibly address so that I
 >could take the first, profession step in querying said agent. I was
 >not trying to take any short cuts, trick a personal recommendation out
 >of Tom, or anything else. I was simply trying to do what any halfway
 >intelligent person would and research the potential agents that would
 >best serve my work.
 >
 >I apologize without reserve for any upset or pain I may have
 >inadvertently caused Tom. That was never my intention. I do not
 >apologize for attempting to research the best possible agents that I
 >might be able to get to work with (and obviously Tom's agent was of
 >high calibre).
 >
 >If anyone wants to still be angry, then aim it at me and not my wife.
 >
 >My apologies and sympathies to Tom, I will leave this list alone and
 >continue my search for an agent elsewhere.
 >
 >Regards
 >
 >Dale

On the off chance, that you're still lurking. Hie ye to your local
library and ask for the Literary Market Place or other such tool.
It's easier that asking for an agent over the web, where you could be
sent towards a literary shark or worse.

Jackie the Librarian (in commercial mode) (Would have sent privately
but I'm still figuring out the new reader.)<!-- ~MESSAGE_AFTER~ -->
 >> Stay informed about: Tom Holt's Agent 

On 10 Sep 2003 08:12:01 -0700, dalemettam.RemoveThis@hotmail.com (Ringo) wrote:

 >Hi All:
 >
 >I'm Dale. Some of you my know me already. I'm the guy who's
 >apparently very bad at making a first impression. Hopefully I'm
 >slightly better at making second impressions.
 >
 >Let me quickly address the frayed nerves that I seem to have touched
 >off recently. My last post was inspired by my wife (through her
 >account), who was concerned that she was looking like an idiot. I
 >think as most folks have seen in hindsight, none of the messages were
 >that bad, but in my wife's defense, she is very very (no, really, you
 >have no idea just how very!) pregnant. We are two weeks away from the
 >arrival and I think there was, what I lovingly refer to as a 'high
 >tide in hormone harbour.' So I leapt to the defense of my own fair
 >maiden (trust me, it's better to do that otherwise I risk 'tsunami in
 >hormone harbour' from which I really have no storm breaks that can
 >come close to saving me).
 >
 >Now, if you will permit, I'll introduce myself.
 >
 >I was born in Sheffield, England in 1968. A city best known as the
 >location for the movie "The Full Monty." Curiously, all the time I
 >was there, I never saw another naked man. If I had known this would
 >become a major export for the city, I might well have followed a very
 >different career path.
 >
 >After studying both Television and Video Production at college - which
 >is how to make the programs, and not, as one job interviewer thought,
 >making the TV's and VCR's themselves (he was quite disappointed to
 >learn I wouldn't be able to repair his Sony Trinitron on the cheap);
 >as well as Computer based Graphic Design, I made a bold, if less than
 >linear career move, working in both retail and wholesale deliveries.
 >Perhaps I should have paid more attention to my Career Advisor when I
 >had the chance.
 >
 >Eventually I got back on track, working for myself as a freelance
 >designer and electronic typesetter - nowhere near as much fun as it
 >sounds, though being your own boss does guarantee never having to work
 >Friday afternoons . It was a living, but pretty unfulfilling.
 >
 >Marriage to an American meant relocation, and a whole new set of
 >opportunities opening up in the New World. Like so many Europeans
 >before me, I traveled west with only the clothes on my back and a
 >small suitcase.
 >
 >Research might have been useful, as the clothes on my back were at
 >least three layers of outfits (a cunning plan to ensure a larger
 >wardrobe on my arrival). This proved a definite problem as the humid
 >heat of a North Carolina summer hit me as I left the cool
 >air-conditioning of the airport and crawled to the waiting car.
 >
 >Just like generations of immigrants before me, I took a job auditing
 >mortgages for a major bank as soon as the Immigration and
 >Naturalization Service said I was fair game for their cousins over at
 >the Internal Revenue Service and my new life had begun.
 >
 >Falling back on real career skills, I eventually landed a job at the
 >largest print company in the Southeast. During my interview, I
 >employed the same creativity that would serve me well when writing a
 >novel. I lied. I assured them of course I could work all their very
 >expensive equipment. My uncertain expression and use of the wrong
 >terminology was just delayed jet lag. A speedy, self-taught crash
 >course in their systems however, and I was flying.
 >
 >Next came a stint as a technical school instructor, from which I was
 >thankfully fired. The idea that I was there to offer the best
 >education I could to my students, was in sharp contrast to the
 >School's Administration, who simply wanted a revolving door of tuition
 >fees in exchange for diplomas, and never mind the grades.
 >
 >And so, after many jobs in many fields, I finally realized that being
 >unhappy and either quitting or getting fired wasn't a very good career
 >model to illustrate for my son.
 >
 >A love of sci-fi and being constantly asked by my parents growing up,
 >and then later by my wife, "I suppose you think that's funny?" seemed
 >to suggest a combination that might work. It's certainly a lot more
 >fun.
 >
 >So, there ya go. Now you know me. Well, kinda.
 >
 >And I'll take any beers slid down the bar in my direction. So let
 >that be a warning to anyone standing just beyond me, your beers are
 >fair game if they come within range!
 >
 >Thanks to everyone, especially Tom, for taking the time to offer
 >suggestions and advice and the welcome (especially graceful after such
 >a clumsy entrance on my part).
 >
 >Dale

Welcome, neighbor! I mean that in more that one sense as I too moved
southward with the clothes on my back (not to mention 3 suitcases).
My move was from Connecticut to Washington, DC and here I sit 26 years
later in Virginia. I got the MLS I moved south to earn and along the
way found my own "Prince Charming" so I can appreciate your devotion
to your lady. Please continue to post and announce the new arrival at
the appropriate time. In the mean time, can I offer you a drink and
maybe a library card?

Jackie the village librarian<!-- ~MESSAGE_AFTER~ -->
 >> Stay informed about: Tom Holt's Agent 

"Ringo" <dalemettam.RemoveThis@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:47a8af51.0309121227.1837b250@posting.google.com...
>
> RUSTIC RETREAT IS FETISHIST FANTASY!
>
> VICE TO INVESTIGATE GARGOYLES FOR HIRE PARTY RING!
>
> WHEN GOOD GARGOYLES GO BAD!
>
> DIEM SPEAKS - MY NAUGHTY NIGHTS IN GROUP GARGOYLE
> LOVE CREVICE!
> "They climbed my edifice and I found I liked it", admits Gargoyle
> advocate.

*sniggers*

I can see the place will never be the same again

Melody

--
BB
 >> Stay informed about: Tom Holt's Agent 

This message is not archived
 >> Stay informed about: Tom Holt's Agent 

In <20030911235045.691203431299986.TakeThisOut@earwigs.org> Isambard Kingdom Earwig wrote:

>In article <bjqbco$lvh9u$1@ID-6544.news.uni-berlin.de>,
>Melody S-K <Melody.TakeThisOut@wibble.org> wrote:
>>Can I interest you in an earwig or several?
>>Top *shudder* quality ...
>Friendly! Enthusiastic! Helpful around the house!

Which reminds me. I'd been meaning to ask. Have you by any chance got a
relative called Heath Earwig? One of your chaps was trying to suggest ways
I could make my morning coffee without getting out of bed, and his design
seemed to involve lots of complicated strings and whistles and devices for
pouring water from a great height out of one jug and into another, and I
just wondered....

Only I was asleep at the time, the alarm had only gone off about three
times, and another of his suggestions was something to get me out of bed in
the morning and I didn't *at all* like the sound of it, particularly the
carefully placed trampoline to catch me. I didn't quite get the name on
account of not having woken up properly before I chased him out for talking
at me before I'd had my coffee. I don't *think* it was Professor Bruce
Earwig, though.

Beetle

Cartographer, Bombardier, Weather Witch and Village Storekeeper
Selling atonal apples, and amplified heat, and Pressed Rat's
collection of dog-legs and feet. Coffee mornings a speciality.
 >> Stay informed about: Tom Holt's Agent 

In <47a8af51.0309111530.74b06821.RemoveThis@posting.google.com> Dale wrote:

>Oh this could be the move that gets me finally on the map!

There is a map of Abthite, but it hasn't yet made it onto the web.

It might be possible to add you to it before then, I suppose....

Beetle

Cartographer, Bombardier, Weather Witch and Village Storekeeper
Selling atonal apples, and amplified heat, and Pressed Rat's
collection of dog-legs and feet. Coffee mornings a speciality.
 >> Stay informed about: Tom Holt's Agent 

On 11 Sep 2003 10:11:23 -0700, dalemettam RemoveThis @hotmail.com (Ringo) wrote:

> "Sure, you don't NEED to get an official gargoyle, but then you
>wouldn't have the cover should you get an infestation of a UNofficial
>gragoyles. Last thing anyone wants to see is gargoyle guano in your
>ink resevoirs. Or a couple of over amorous gragoyles dancing the
>horizontal mambo in your paper stores and going off like the 4th of
>July.
>

Okay, now that's just not fair! I have a very literal mind, and a good
imagination. That's just not a pretty picture!

Besides, I had to wipe off my screen after reading that!


>No, what you want (and this is purely a friendly suggestion,
>mind), is a nice official gragoyle. One you have some control over.
>One that can be trained. Perhaps in an attack capacity for added
>security. Maybe to take messages when you're out of the office. But
>like I said, you don't NEED one, per se."

That's more like it. Nice, gentle gargoyles. Keep an eye on things...

_________
Postperson Peggi
 >> Stay informed about: Tom Holt's Agent 

dalemettam.RemoveThis@hotmail.com (Ringo) wrote in
news:47a8af51.0309121210.a534afd@posting.google.com:

> Another
> problem is that as it's sci-fi (or SF if that is your predilection)
> AND comedy, it seems to be a combo that's as popular as a fart in a
> space suit with some agents.

Christopher Stasheff managed to get that kind of books published (see his
'Starship Troupers' series) so maybe DelRey is interested?

TTFN,
B.

VV
 >> Stay informed about: Tom Holt's Agent 

On Fri, 12 Sep 2003 21:43:56 +0000 (UTC), Roger Burton West wrote:

> In article <47a8af51.0309121227.1837b250.RemoveThis@posting.google.com>,
> Ringo <dalemettam.RemoveThis@hotmail.com> wrote:
>
>>DIEM SPEAKS - MY NAUGHTY NIGHTS IN GROUP GARGOYLE LOVE CREVICE!
>>"They climbed my edifice and I found I liked it", admits Gargoyle
>>advocate.
>
> LOCAL NEWSPAPER OFFICE BURNS TO GROU... um... never mind me, I'm just
> re-stacking my tinder, paraffin, gunpowder and magnesium collection.
> <cough cough>

nasty cough that

here have some aviation fuel

dp
--
Pedant an Insult by the inacurate for the acurate
 >> Stay informed about: Tom Holt's Agent 

In article <20030912225002.0165338686938448.RemoveThis@firedrake.org>,
<anon2765.RemoveThis@firedrake.org> wrote:

>Which reminds me. I'd been meaning to ask. Have you by any chance got a
>relative called Heath Earwig? One of your chaps was trying to suggest ways
>I could make my morning coffee without getting out of bed, and his design
>seemed to involve lots of complicated strings and whistles and devices for
>pouring water from a great height out of one jug and into another, and I
>just wondered....

I don't think he and Isambard are talking, these days. Lots of polished
brass and wrought-iron scrollwork tends to be more popular than wooden
wheels and great lengths of string.

>Only I was asleep at the time, the alarm had only gone off about three
>times, and another of his suggestions was something to get me out of bed in
>the morning and I didn't *at all* like the sound of it, particularly the
>carefully placed trampoline to catch me.

How about a 50,000,000-gun salute? Wakes up most people...

RSM Willie Earwig
 >> Stay informed about: Tom Holt's Agent