The New Archbishop of York's Enthronement Speech in Full

'First of all ah would like to sah dat it is a pleasure to be here and ah
would *not* ha' bin here an putting de well known oil o' gladness on mah
head and washin' kids feet if de curate o' mah parish in Uganda hadn't given
me a bahcycle to come to recieve education and benediction all dem years ago
you people got a notion to come to Africa and give us bahble! And I want to
sah to you all dat your fancy pants people what is rich enuff to say dat
dere ain't no mah god only Pretta Manger you got one almahty shock comin'
from me!
Dere weren't too much wrong wid de British Empah and ah see dem BBC cameras
up dere, yes ah talking to *you*! You kids think you big and clever wid yer
Wirelesshead reco'din's and yer Ecstasy Holsten Pils and your le's pretend
dere ain't no bad things in Africa except de piff helmet in de closet o'
colonialism attitude! Widdout colonialism ah would not had mah bahcycle
remember and ah would not be here now to enjoy dat fahne fahne display of
tribal dancin' - ah would say dat dancin' get get a bit too much on de
herotic sahde for me!
Some people sah dat' on de contrah it was de well known British Empah what
cauzed Idi Amin - who kicked me out of Ugandah - to be Idi Amin. But wiv mah
extensive knowledge o'humanity ah can accuratley sah dat Mistah Amin woulda
been a bullyin', murderin, wife-eating dictator what killed half a million
people if he hadn't ah bin in de Eas' African rahfles; he just hadda bit o'
stahle because of it! Ah remember him when he was the Kampala Boxin'
Champeen in de 50s. He hadda a right hook to be contended wiv.
Some silly people sayin' dat England be racis'. Dese people, like de well
known Yasmin Allahbah Brown and Poly Townhouse (dat gal need gahdance!) in
de Gardyen sayin' all sorta thing lahbelling de good old English and ah am
going to be puttin' ah stop to it if ah can! O'course England ain't racis' -
what would ah be doin' on dis platform takin' on dis' job if it *was*?
Ah notice the BBC gettin' quite excited about me gettin' dis job which
amuse me mainly cos' dey is down on Christianity and up on almos' anyfin'
else dey can lay dere hands on, which include de well known Iz-lamb! Funny
how bein' foreign make de BBC fall in love wid yah! And also, and yes Mistah
Dimbles sittin' up dere in de talking bax ah is lookin' at you! Ah would
like to know why ah is a news ahtem today and *not* when ah put de worl' to
rights las' week in de Times and said dat multiculturalism had done England
and its history a bad googly and dat people should pack dis sixthform
nonsense *up*! Ah wasn't BBC news den was ah Mistah Dimbles? No!
Finally ah must say dat dere mus' be lessa dis coco shuntin' goin' on.
Batty men like dressing up and larkin' but dis here church ain't no
*parteh!* Ah is intendin' to make mah message loud and cleeah! We do not
want dis' church lookin' like sum kwango run by Hah-Commissionah Mandelson!
Dis be real religion mah brothers and dat is going to make a lot of people
lose colour in dere faces!'

ROBBIE