Book Excerpt: The Shy Single by Jacobson

The following is an excerpt from the book The Shy Single: A Bold Guide to
Dating For the Less - Than - Bold Dater by Bonnie Jacobson, Ph.D., with
Sandra J. Gordon.

Facing Rejection

The huge obstacle for Shys is when they're either doing the rejecting or
being rejected in a relationship. One of the possibilities in any new dating
situation is that it's a potentially poor match. But for some Shys, this
potential reality can become so threatening, they may unknowingly bring it
on themselves -- even when they're in a relationship that's working. When
it's over ("Whew!"), you may even feel justified ("I just can't date; I'm no
good at it"), but lonely and miserable at the same time. You may also suffer
from prolonged payback. ("Nobody is ever going to love me. I'm going to turn
out just like my forty-five-year-old cousin who's childless and not
married.") Or, conversely, you may resist ending a relationship you no
longer enjoy because you don't want to deal with the conflict of saying
goodbye, or maybe you lack confidence about maintaining your boundaries if
you say it's over. Should the other person disagree with the breakup, you
face a potentially ugly situation.

Or perhaps you resist moving on because you empathize so strongly. "I don't
want to hurt their feelings," many shy singles have reported in my
workshops, always cringing, even when it's the best decision. Samantha was
in such a relationship. She had been dating Tom for two years and had been
racking up credit card bills on airline tickets (it was a bicoastal
relationship). Trouble was, for various reasons, she knew he wasn't the man
for her. "But I just can't bring myself to break up with him," she told me
repeatedly. "He's such a sweet guy." It was clear that Samantha was
identifying with Tom's feelings -- to her detriment. By staying in a
relationship that needed to end, her pain was escalating as the illusion
continued, with Tom occasionally mentioning the prospect of marriage. They
were on completely different pages, and Samantha's hesitancy in ending
things was creating a real problem. She was frozen in stage two for almost
two years. Tom was being set up for an even harder fall, and Samantha's
awareness that she was continuing a futureless relationship was making her
feel weak and foolish. "I'm such a wimp," she said one evening. Samantha's
situation is an example of how a prolonged stage two -- overloaded with
emotion and completely frozen -- becomes a truly debilitating state. The
payback that follows this frozen state adds further insult to injury.

Being the Rejecter

The difficulty of saying "No, thank you" to someone who wants the
relationship to continue is directly proportional to the amount of
self-criticism you heap upon yourself. The more self-critical you are, the
less clear you're apt to be about your intentions. If you're very
self-critical, you may find it almost impossible to tell the other person
why you want to end the relationship for fear that anything you say will
sound like criticism rather than a statement of what's best for you.

If you're the one who wants to end the relationship, try thinking that the
sooner you say goodbye, the faster he can find somebody else who is more
suited to him. You're actually setting both of you free to find a more
mutually satisfying relationship. Even though breakups can be agonizing,
it's not fair to hold on to someone because you don't have the guts to end
it. And if you consider the "don't do unto others" rule, you wouldn't want
to be bound in a relationship that's not working longer than you should be
either, would you?

Your Rejector Action Plan

To make doing the deed as easy as possible, create a breakup line you're
comfortable with that's simple to remember, repeatable, and doesn't sound
attacking. Try something like: "After all this time we've spent together, I
just don't think we have that special something couples need to make it for
the long run." Chances are, sensing your vulnerability, your partner may
object and even try to talk you out of breaking up with him. When that
happens, simply restate your case: "I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you. But
I don't think we have that special something couples need to make it for the
long run." If you add, "I don't want to waste your time, or mine for that
matter," you'll appear stronger. Keep repeating yourself if you need to,
then exit the situation as quickly as possible. Having a set speech that you
repeat softly, but consistently, can help you with the fear of initiation
and freezing or flooding. Knowing what you are going to say, you won't be
overwhelmed with so many options that nothing emerges, nor will spill out
more than you want to say. Your breakup line can also help to thwart
payback, because you minimize the unplanned, which can trigger subsequent
self-criticism.

In case your breakup line doesn't having the desired effect, have a backup
"insurance policy" at the ready. Tell your former lover that there's no
possibility for another chance because you're now sure that you must find
someone who is something that this person is not -- your religion, not
divorced, a local (you know she can never leave her hometown to move to
yours), your race, or any other immutable quality that your former lover can
never attain. Like your breakup line, this statement requires repeated
practice. In the end, though, it is the kindest approach you can take,
because it ultimately leaves no room for false hope.

Another preparation strategy involves role-playing with a trusted friend.
Ask your friend to be as difficult as possible. Go over scenarios that will
have the former lover resisting the goodbye. Then, when the real scene
happens, it'll likely be easier than the imagined ones. You'll walk away
feeling more satisfied with the outcome, which is the best strategy for
warding off payback.

Getting Rejected

Vulnerable Shys tend to suffer greatly from the pain of rejection; again,
self-criticism looms large. The more self-critical you are, the less you'll
be able to tolerate comments you perceive as negative from your partner. Not
surprisingly, therefore, the end of a relationship that wasn't your
decision can be tough.

As I discussed in chapter five, you may be hardwired for self-blame as a
result of your formative years. Often, the severest self-critics had a
childhood in which there was so much chaos or other diversions in the family
that the quiet child who made no fuss was ignored and, as a result, felt
invisible. Or perhaps the child grew up in an authoritarian home environment
where an iron rule was imposed on the household by at least one of the
caregivers. Either of these situations can cause a child to become highly
self-critical as an adult. Both invisibility and abundant disapproval become
equated with not being good enough because a person learns to vigilantly
self-monitor his or her actions to keep the peace (and avoid harm).

Grace, a divorced realtor in her early forties who thought she had finally
found a man who would successfully end her dating career, came from such a
household. Her father ruled the house by fear. "If you cried because you
were upset, he'd say, 'Quit crying or I'll give you something to cry about.'
My father made us all feel unsafe around him. I steered clear and always
tried to stay on his good side." Grace came to my workshop because she had
just been "unceremoniously dumped." The surprise breakup was enough to rock
what little confidence she had. "If only I had worn sexier lingerie, cooked
dinner for him more often, tried to be more athletic . . ." Her list trailed
on. Grace was kitchen-sinking it, which is a common reaction, and it was
magnifying her pain. She blamed herself for the breakup, even though she had
given the relationship her all. (If this sounds like payback, that's because
it is. Nothing is as certain to trigger it as a sudden goodbye.) "Maybe I
wasn't worthy of his love. And maybe I'm not good enough for anyone else's
either," Grace concluded. At that moment she couldn't imagine there'd be
others who might be a better match for her than "Mr. Wonderful." During the
first blush of disappointment, Grace couldn't put this rejection in
perspective. But since then, she's been working with the tips that follow to
help her see "no" in a new light.

Your Rejectee Action Plan

Reframe rejection as a blessing in disguise. Ask yourself: What do I gain by
not having this person in my life? What adjustments was I making to
accommodate her idiosyncrasies? What do I no longer have to put up with that
I disliked while we were together? What freedoms did I forego to meet him
more than halfway? Consider writing your answers in your journal or diary,
which can serve as a record for identifying patterns both in yourself and in
those dates that didn't work out. The more you discover about what isn't a
good match, the better you can develop your own assessment about what kind
of person is.

Rather than wallow in payback, take time to reflect and ask yourself
insight-provoking questions, such as: "What did I learn from this
experience? What am I going to do differently next time?" (If you're not
sure, ask others who knew you as a couple. If you like, write your answers
in a journal for future reference.) You may not agree with all of the
opinions of your former lover and friends, but some of the comments might be
helpful for future relationships. Like your successes, relationships that
didn't go well can be equally valuable -- if only to teach you what to
avoid.

When Marnie, a shy choreographer in her mid-thirties, thought about these
questions, she realized that since she was no longer with Jeff -- someone
she had dated for six months who ended their relationship because he said he
needed to spend more time trying to make partner at his law firm -- she was
free to choose a mate who wouldn't put her second fiddle to his work. "Now I
have my radar on. No workaholics for me! " she said proudly. Similarly,
Conrad, a computer consultant in his late twenties, realized that he'd save
a lot of money on phone bills after his long-distance girlfriend of three
years called it quits (over the phone, of course). "From now on," he said,
"I'm only going to date women who live in my city. It's not just the phone
bills. Commuter relationships are brutal. I want someone I can see a couple
of times a week, not once a month."

Next, study the part of the relationship that worked or parts of other
relationships in the past, even platonic ones, that worked. What did you
bring to the partnership that made it satisfying for you as well as the
other person? Write your answers in your journal or diary.

Finally, realize that each person walking away from a relationship is
experiencing a loss. Allow yourself to grieve. You need comforting. And
while you're at it, be kind to yourself and take some time to make yourself
feel better. It doesn't have to be a day at the spa or a night on the town
(or the prowl), although it could be. Perhaps it's a good time to take a
vacation to somewhere completely unlike where you live. As you rack up
frequent flier miles, you'll gain emotional distance and perhaps a healthier
perspective for a fresh start when you return.

Reprinted from: The Shy Single: A Bold Guide to Dating for the
Less-Than-Bold Dater by Bonnie Jacobson, Ph.D., with Sandra J. Gordon © 2004
by Bonnie Jacobson, Ph.D. and Sandra J. Gordon. (June 2004;
$14.95US/$19.95CAN; 1-57954-869-5) Permission granted by Rodale, Inc.,
Emmaus, PA 18098. Available wherever books are sold or directly from the
publisher by calling (800) 848-4735 or visit our website at
www.rodalestore.com.

Copyright © 2004 Bonnie Jacobson, Ph.D., and Sandra J. Gordon

For more information, please visit the author's Web site at:
www.bonniejacobsonphd.com or www.writtenvoices.com.

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