Essentially OT: Help!

In <2004020421503976639.RemoveThis@zetnet.co.uk> the Squoire uttered a sorry appeal:

 >That nice Mr Time and his friend Mr Warner, optimists to the very last
 >twitch, are planning a publicity campaign for 'The Portable Door'; in
 >connection with which, they've asked me to compile a list of Ten Things
 >Not To Do On Your First Day At Work.

Mention Uncle JonBoy, and then correct yourself "Oh, I'm sorry: I mean the
Chairman".

Put tea into the coffee-machine used by the techies.

Produce a large stuffed toy called Fluffles and put it on your desk, then
comment to it about everything you have to do, in a just-audible monotone.

If female, turn up at the otherwise-all-male office wearing a badge that
says "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle".

In your lunch-break, illicitly send private email to your best friend all
about your new job, with comments on all the other staff -- and
accidentally cc it to the entire address-book your predecessor left in the
machine.

Break the lock on the reception door such that if open, it won't shut, and
if shut, it won't open, and when not shut, it bangs to and fro every time
the street door is opened.

Bring your Afghan Hound/Red Setter puppy with you because the dogsitter has
let you down.

Put a large handbook concerning Health and Safety Regulations in a
prominent position on your desk, and look things up in it at intervals,
making notes in a small black book on each occasion.

Know everyone else's password, including that of the MD's secretary.

When being given basic tasks to do, tell your immediate superior the way
you used to do that in your *last* job.

Wear mirror-shades.

 >Any suggestions would be most gratefully received; in addition, there
 >will be a prize for the best suggestion, consisting of a 99 year lease
 >on 3,000 virtual acres of barren, windswept, wild-boar-infested,
 >toxic-waste-strewn, slightly luminous moorland out back of the Big
 >Woods, previously the testing-grounds for the Special Projects Division
 >of Lemmingco.

Er... I think I'm glad none of the suggestions above is appropriate.

Beetle

Cartographer, Bombardier, Weather Witch and Village Storekeeper
Selling atonal apples, and amplified heat, and Pressed Rat's
collection of dog-legs and feet. Coffee mornings a speciality.<!-- ~MESSAGE_AFTER~ -->
 >> Stay informed about: Essentially OT: Help! 

Following myself on <2004020421503976639.RemoveThis@zetnet.co.uk>, the Squoire's sorry
appeal:

I forgot one.

Consult the I-Ching about *everything*.

Beetle

Cartographer, Bombardier, Weather Witch and Village Storekeeper
Selling atonal apples, and amplified heat, and Pressed Rat's
collection of dog-legs and feet. Coffee mornings a speciality.
 >> Stay informed about: Essentially OT: Help! 

Tom Holt <lemming.co.RemoveThis@zetnet.co.uk> writted:
 >That nice Mr Time and his friend Mr Warner, optimists to the very last
 >twitch, are planning a publicity campaign for 'The Portable Door'; in
 >connection with which, they've asked me to compile a list of Ten Things
 >Not To Do On Your First Day At Work.
 >
 >Any suggestions would be most gratefully received; in addition, there
 >will be a prize for the best suggestion, consisting of a 99 year lease
 >on 3,000 virtual acres of barren, windswept, wild-boar-infested,
 >toxic-waste-strewn, slightly luminous moorland out back of the Big
 >Woods, previously the testing-grounds for the Special Projects Division
 >of Lemmingco.

The following have been perpetrated in the last 12 months or thereabouts
by "new bugs" at my place of work (or any one of our regional offices),
within a month of starting their employment. All bar one were
subsequently dismissed.

Scream "Shut the fuck up, you white bitch" at your head of section, in
an open plan office. Carried out by a womyn of genetic African origin,
who was apparently outraged that the target of her wrath took it
personally and had the nerve to report *her* for racist abuse.

Get caught by security taking someone else's laptop home "without
permission" and trying to make a run for it when challenged. (We tend to
employ security guards who are awake and notice little things like large
suspicious bulges under coats; why the perp didn't just take the laptop
bag along with the power supply, disk drives and perhaps most
importantly the laptop's only battery, we may never know).

Disable all the programs that start when you switch on your computer
(including its anti-virus software) to make it run faster, thus making
sure your computer is a haven for the little brutes.

And my all-time no. 1: E-mail hacking software from your company account
to your home account.
--
Harry
Village Miller
Grains ground - wood and metal turned - batteries charged.<!-- ~MESSAGE_AFTER~ -->
 >> Stay informed about: Essentially OT: Help! 

In article <2004020421503976639 RemoveThis @zetnet.co.uk>,
Tom Holt <lemming.co RemoveThis @zetnet.co.uk> wrote:

 > That nice Mr Time and his friend Mr Warner, optimists to the very last
 > twitch, are planning a publicity campaign for 'The Portable Door'; in
 > connection with which, they've asked me to compile a list of Ten Things
 > Not To Do On Your First Day At Work.
 >
 > Any suggestions would be most gratefully received; in addition, there
 > will be a prize for the best suggestion, consisting of a 99 year lease
 > on 3,000 virtual acres of barren, windswept, wild-boar-infested,
 > toxic-waste-strewn, slightly luminous moorland out back of the Big
 > Woods, previously the testing-grounds for the Special Projects Division
 > of Lemmingco.
 >
 > TIA

Give the _other_ set of books to the man from the Inland Revenue[1].

Chris.
[1] Apparently someone once did this at Joseph Lucas[2] in the 1950s.
[2] Prince of Insufficient Light.

--
If you believed that 20% of your grade relied on this question, would
that make you nervous? -- Elocutus of Borg (on afp)<!-- ~MESSAGE_AFTER~ -->
 >> Stay informed about: Essentially OT: Help! 

On Wed, 4 Feb 2004 21:50:39 GMT, Tom Holt <lemming.co DeleteThis @zetnet.co.uk>
wrote:

 >That nice Mr Time and his friend Mr Warner, optimists to the very last
 >twitch, are planning a publicity campaign for 'The Portable Door'; in
 >connection with which, they've asked me to compile a list of Ten Things
 >Not To Do On Your First Day At Work.
 >
 >Any suggestions would be most gratefully received; in addition, there
 >will be a prize for the best suggestion, consisting of a 99 year lease
 >on 3,000 virtual acres of barren, windswept, wild-boar-infested,
 >toxic-waste-strewn, slightly luminous moorland out back of the Big
 >Woods, previously the testing-grounds for the Special Projects Division
 >of Lemmingco.
 >
 >TIA

Rule #1: Never call in sick on the first day. Particularly if you
don't have your supervisor's telephone number and have to report the
burgeoning ulcer via the Human Resources department or worse the
switchboard. I actually did this for one job and it was not
appreciated by my new boss who became convinced that I was a
hypochondriac because of it. I was diagnosed the next week with a
peptic ulcer, but I still think she thinks I was faking it.

Jackie<!-- ~MESSAGE_AFTER~ -->
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On Wed, 4 Feb 2004 21:50:39 GMT, Tom Holt <lemming.co.TakeThisOut@zetnet.co.uk>
wrote:

 >That nice Mr Time and his friend Mr Warner, optimists to the very last
 >twitch, are planning a publicity campaign for 'The Portable Door'; in
 >connection with which, they've asked me to compile a list of Ten Things
 >Not To Do On Your First Day At Work.
 >
 >Any suggestions would be most gratefully received; in addition, there
 >will be a prize for the best suggestion, consisting of a 99 year lease
 >on 3,000 virtual acres of barren, windswept, wild-boar-infested,
 >toxic-waste-strewn, slightly luminous moorland out back of the Big
 >Woods, previously the testing-grounds for the Special Projects Division
 >of Lemmingco.
 >
 >TIA

Forgot another one or two.....

Walk out saying the work is too hard (we lost a page at the library
that way---didn't realize shelving books for 3 hours at a stretch is
physically demanding labor.

Re-adjust ALL the ergonomic chairs to your personnal comfort level,
despite the fact that you are the only 7 foot tall person in the
office.

Answer the telephone with the name of your former employer.

Bring a malodorous lunch before knowing if there is a refrigerator to
store it.

Show up wearing a Tee-shirt bearing the logo of your new employer's
largest competitor.

Say that doing x or y if beneath your dignity as a "manager" or MBA or
other such lovely title.

I may add some more as I think of them. This is fun in a warped sort
of way.

Jackie<!-- ~MESSAGE_AFTER~ -->
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"Tom Holt" <lemming.co.RemoveThis@zetnet.co.uk> wrote
news:2004020421503976639@zetnet.co.uk...
 > That nice Mr Time and his friend Mr Warner, optimists to the very last
 > twitch, are planning a publicity campaign for 'The Portable Door'; in
 > connection with which, they've asked me to compile a list of Ten Things
 > Not To Do On Your First Day At Work.

1. Ask when the annual salary review is
2. Blow a kiss to the boss as he goes out of the room
3. Book a holiday for the following week
4. Send and receive text messages all day
5. Put nail varnish, other make up and a mirror on your desk
6. Use the telephone for personal calls all day
7. IRC with the firms computer all day
8. Light a cigarette (*sigh*)
9. Laugh like a braying donkey at everything and anything
10. Arrive late and leave early, using your child as a reason

Melody

--
BB with experience <!-- ~MESSAGE_AFTER~ -->
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In article <2004020421503976639.DeleteThis@zetnet.co.uk>,
Tom Holt <lemming.co.DeleteThis@zetnet.co.uk> wrote:
 >That nice Mr Time and his friend Mr Warner, optimists to the very last
 >twitch, are planning a publicity campaign for 'The Portable Door'; in
 >connection with which, they've asked me to compile a list of Ten Things
 >Not To Do On Your First Day At Work.

Ask for extra mains sockets to plug in your phone charger, games
console, hairdryer, etc.

Explain that you need an encrypted network channel to your private
server. (OK, in some jobs (such as the sort I tend to have) this will
work in your favour.)

Go on at great length about how pathetic the firewall is, and how you
could crack it with an arm tied behind your back.

....demonstrate the above.

....to download pornography.

....that's illegal.

....even in Russia.

These two happened, though not on a first day:

Use thoroughly offensive language at the Inland Revenue inspector who's
turned up (by appointment) to look at the books. (That was the boss. The
company's still in business. I have no idea why.)

Bring your wife and child in. She wears long-sleeved, high-necked
dresses and flinches whenever you move. (Ditto.)

 >Any suggestions would be most gratefully received; in addition, there
 >will be a prize for the best suggestion, consisting of a 99 year lease
 >on 3,000 virtual acres of barren, windswept, wild-boar-infested,
 >toxic-waste-strewn, slightly luminous moorland out back of the Big
 >Woods, previously the testing-grounds for the Special Projects Division
 >of Lemmingco.

(Selective reading kicks in)

Wild boar infestation? Yum.

Firedrake R
(Firedrake of the Village and former Good Egg)<!-- ~MESSAGE_AFTER~ -->
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On Wed, 4 Feb 2004 21:50:39 GMT, Tom Holt <lemming.co.RemoveThis@zetnet.co.uk>
wrote:

 >That nice Mr Time and his friend Mr Warner, optimists to the very last
 >twitch, are planning a publicity campaign for 'The Portable Door'; in
 >connection with which, they've asked me to compile a list of Ten Things
 >Not To Do On Your First Day At Work.
 >
 >Any suggestions would be most gratefully received; in addition, there
 >will be a prize for the best suggestion, consisting of a 99 year lease
 >on 3,000 virtual acres of barren, windswept, wild-boar-infested,
 >toxic-waste-strewn, slightly luminous moorland out back of the Big
 >Woods, previously the testing-grounds for the Special Projects Division
 >of Lemmingco.
 >
 >TIA

It's amazing no one written this one in yet

Show up drunk or obviously under the influence of some "regulated"
substance.

Complain all day about how your old telelphone system was much more
user friendly.

Bring along personal space heater, fan, and audio system (no
headphones) and proceed to use all of them.

Fall asleep at your desk and snore (loudly).

Listen patiently to all instructions, answering yes, sir or madam and
then go off and do the work in the manner that you wish, or not do it
at all.

Jackie (who never wants to be a supervisor, for obvious reasons)<!-- ~MESSAGE_AFTER~ -->
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I've been thinking again.
This one actually happened - and I'm not owning up.
Suggest that, for a healthy change, the coffee in the IT Support department
is changed to decaf.
Sniff loudly (and not just a plain ordinary sniff, this one must be the real
gargle from the back of the nasal passages sort of sniff)
Record "I know a song that will get on your nerves" onto your computer or
voicemail.
Set your mobile 'phone ringtone to something extremely irritating and
extremely loud - and then have your friends, family and acquaintences text
you for no readily apparent reason every couple of minutes
Spill tea/coffee/fizzy drink on your keyboard - and do nothing about it
until the mess has dried out, shorting every circuit on the board.
Sticky tape the telephones
Loudly quote the catchphrases from a popular TV show - the more obscure this
is, the better.
Play the 'wig' game whenever members of the managerial structure pass your
desk/cubicle/office
Loudly comment on how much better things were at your LAST job...
More when I think of some.

Au Res.,
Paul
http://www.efbenson.co.uk/
http://www.paulbines.co.uk
http://www.convergent-diversity.co.uk/
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On Wed, 4 Feb 2004 21:50:39 GMT, Tom Holt <lemming.co RemoveThis @zetnet.co.uk> wrote:

 >That nice Mr Time and his friend Mr Warner, optimists to the very last
 >twitch, are planning a publicity campaign for 'The Portable Door'; in
 >connection with which, they've asked me to compile a list of Ten Things
 >Not To Do On Your First Day At Work.

Bring in your photo albums and insist on showing the entire office your whole
family in minute detail.

Suggest to the head of IT that setting up a gaming server would increase
productivity.

Receive a phone call off you previous boss, put it on speakerphone and taunt
them loudly.

Refuse to work opposite the window, when all the desks are opposite the window.

Ask the guy who waters the plants how to do your job

Install your "personal" photo collection on the company file server, then email
the index to the entire office.

Use a stopwatch to precisely time your day, and leave the second you have done a
full day's work, no matter what you are doing at that moment.

Cause every printer in the building to jam whilst printing out your first
assignment.

Bring a small TV in and set it up on the edge of your desk, then invite your
co-workers to watch Neighbours with you.

MP
--
When you see particle accelerator for vacuum cleaner,
it means that curse defined by beams with joy.<!-- ~MESSAGE_AFTER~ -->
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But... but I did all of those...
 >> Stay informed about: Essentially OT: Help! 

The Squoire plaintively cried:
 > But... but I did all of those...
Which explains why you are now an author...
Au Res.,
Paul

--
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