Essentially OT: Help!

External Since: Nov 30, 2003 Posts: 6

In message <2004020421503976639.DeleteThis@zetnet.co.uk>, Tom Holt
<lemming.co.DeleteThis@zetnet.co.uk> writes
>That nice Mr Time and his friend Mr Warner, optimists to the very last
>twitch, are planning a publicity campaign for 'The Portable Door'; in
>connection with which, they've asked me to compile a list of Ten Things
>Not To Do On Your First Day At Work.

Well, TPD reminds me so much of my office (where there are four sets of
stairs leading to roughly the same location, and then another 3 which go
to slightly different places on the next floor, all again very easily
confused, and where there are no nameplates on people's doors) that I
thought this would be a list for people in a law firm in the
provinces...

1. Turn up wearing pink skimpy top with no bra on. Wear with it a
skirt that is a little bit tight and a little bit too short, so that
your tattoo can be seen.
2. Be rude to the senior partner (treat him as if he were as
important to you as the dustbin man, and about as malodorous)
3. Comment loudly "oh is that his wife?" when referring to a lawyer
and his secretary having a conversation.
4. Talk about your salary not being good enough for you.
5. Offend the receptionist (possibly by being patronising, but
possibly just by being insulting or rude)
6. Offend the office manager (so bad it doesn't bear thinking
about, but probably done the same way) I know the two sound similar,
but they are not. And vitally important that you appreciate their
individual and separate roles and strengths and give Respect...
7. turn up Late - i.e., the office opens at 8.30, you are supposed
to be there at 9.00 and you swan in, dishevelled and soaked from the
rain, at 10.00 looking pathetic, and saying you got lost (and you never
rang to say you were going to be late)
8. Phone in sick. Again, at about 10.00. Rather than at the first
opportunity - 8.30
9. Make too many personal enquiries about fellow staff - i.e. their
salaries, the personal lives etc. Especially your boss's personal life.
(This is your first day - they'll tell you if you get to know them.
Well some of it, anyway)
10. Adopt the attitude of Never Apologise, never Explain, but share
your own opinions about the World with everyone.

Additional:

Brag about your career as a model/filmstar. At length.

Park in the limited space that is the office car park. To do it really
well, use one of the partner's labelled spaces.

Be rude to a customer/client on the telephone (or complain about working
conditions to them, or tell them *your* life story)
--
Vic
village Vicar

External Since: Jul 06, 2003 Posts: 123

In article <2004020421503976639.TakeThisOut@zetnet.co.uk>,
Tom Holt <lemming.co.TakeThisOut@zetnet.co.uk> wrote:
>That nice Mr Time and his friend Mr Warner, optimists to the very last
>twitch, are planning a publicity campaign for 'The Portable Door'; in
>connection with which, they've asked me to compile a list of Ten Things
>Not To Do On Your First Day At Work.

eat the floorboards

eat the walls

eat the roof beams

eat the network cables

eat the power cables (while glowing gently and saying "wheeeee" a lot)

quantum tunnel into a sealed lamp, shed carapace, and quantum tunnel out
again

eat the backup tapes

....we seem to be developing a theme here...

The Woodlice