Lenin's funny life: Part 1

PART 1


I run into a book long, long time ago, when the Soviet Union was still around.
A woman in Moscow gave me to read the book. It was titled "Vladimir Ulianov
Lenin: Investigation of a life". I don't recall the author. Never after
that I found another copy or mention about the book. It was an astonishing
story in Russian. With my poor English and memory about the book, I'll tell
its content here.



Late of 19th century. In a police department of a provincial and patriarchic
town of czarist Russia appeared a University female student. The old age police
officer was embarrassed. Never he encountered such things before. She was
complaining about a fellow student Vladimir Ulianov who got drunk in a party
and forced her… to go down to him. She was confused to explain. She was from
a famous family in town. Officer could not believe what he heard. There was
nothing about such things in the law. But that Ulianov apparently was a demon
and must be punished. He went to a secret imperial police senior agent for an
advice. The agent was embarrassed too and told him that he will think something
appropriate for that demon. The agent went to his old friend, a university
professor, told the story and his plan and asked him to write revolutionary
pamphlet to be attributed to that demon. The professor took the offer with
great joy. First time in his life he got a chance of free speech. And without
fear he put on the paper all of his true feelings about czar. Everything else
was arranged very fast: Vladimir Ulianov was accused in revolutionary
activities and sent into exile to Siberia. There was strict command that every
such case must be informed directly to czar. When czar read the pamphlet he was
scared by the deep analyzes and critics of his rule by a freshman student. He
felt very comforted with the prompt finding and punishing the revolutionary
monster. He sent a big reward to the agent who was in charge of the case. The
agent, who was an honest man, shared the award equally with the professor and
the police officer.

Two years later, the new czar declared amnesty to all political exiles and
Vladimir Ulianov returned back. While he was up to quit drinking and get
married, he continued his free spirited life. He thought that he was punished
for his poetry, as at the sentencing procedures they showed him a poem where he
had such strokes: "I can't wait for the day when I'll see you on your
knees". He admitted that he wrote the poem. No other questions were asked to
him and that was enough to sentence him.

The agent had a problem with money. He went to the professor and they together
draw a new plan. In his free time professor started to engage with his new
hobby – writing revolutionary articles. He helped a female student to acquire
a job in university and asked her to get close to Ulianov. As soon as she was
introduced to him, she didn't bother relations go further, went to the police
officer and told a story similar to the first case. The officer now had the
experience. He opened a new revolutionary case. This time he was convicted and
exiled with 2 other likeminded friends, who liked women, vodka, partying more
than anything else. Professor could not catch up with sudden enlargement of
requirements and had to ask another fellow professor to write more
revolutionary stuff. Everything went smoothly. As they didn't know for who
will be used any of their articles, they decided to sign all of them by Lenin,
after the name of the river in Siberia in banks of which Vladimir was in exile.
So, initially, 'Lenin' was meant to denote the name of the revolutionary
group. Again, they were exiled. The professors and the involved agents and
officers shared huge rewards. After reading these new articles, which seemed to
him very dangerous for Russian Empire, czar ordered for strict control and
substantial rewards for any found articles of Lenin. Eventually, many
professors in all Russia started to write such articles. To make it appear
real, they cooperated with secret agents to arrange printing multiple copies of
articles and disperse them among students and factory workers in a broad
territory of Russia. Everyone was happy: Czar, for as more he get such books
and articles, as more he felt secure with his devoted and actively working
police and agents; police, who got easy work to do and big rewards; agents, who
had fun and rewards; professors, who wrote with great joy about their inner
dissent and got rewarded for that; students who had chance to read forbidden
literature; factory workers who dreamed about what they read; even exiles, who
although in a hamlet of cold Siberia, enjoyed vodka, partying, brotherhood - a
Russian version of hippies.







PART 2



At that time a big theft happened in a southern city. Two main thieves were
caught and arraigned. Later their names in history books will appear as Stalin
and Beria. After they have been sentenced to exile in Siberia, a police officer
offered them to get close to revolutionaries and inform him on them in exchange
of good food and promise to earlier release. He was a young and ambitious
careerist acting on his own to be in front line in fight with revolutionaries.
"This guys are nuts", - Stalin was writing, - "All they would do is
talking disgusting things about whores, drinking vodka, eating mush potatoes
and partying." "You are illiterate bustard", - the officer answered, -"
They don't trust you and talk with their secret language obviously. By that
language by whore they mean our blissful czar, you fool! When they talk
disgusting things, they actually discussing their plans against our savior
czar. The messenger of this letter will give you their revolutionary brochures.
Read them. Learn and talk to them as if you yourself has the same thoughts."
Beria was smarter. "Dear officer", - he wrote, -" This bastards are very
dangerous folks. "If I have chance to get free I'll provide their
connections and plans to you. Otherwise the revolution is imminent."

The secret police agent who was supervising revolutionaries was alarmed when he
was presented the correspondence between exiles and police officer. The
enthusiasm of the young officer was going to bring great scandal and reveal
schemes where he was one of the main perpetrators. He managed to fire the young
officer for daring to make connotation between "czar" and "whore". He
wrote a petition to czarist highest court in which he accused the
revolutionaries in creation wide networks throughout country even from exile
and suggested to expel them from Russian Empire. A European country gave them
refuge. By mistake or what, Beria was in that group. The agent managed to send
to exile Ulianov's mother and sisters and other family members of the group.
They didn't have a clue what was going on. But they were proud for genius and
courage of their sons and brothers.

Stalin left one and forgotten in the cold Siberian village. He had dislike for
Vladimir and his friends. He would have his food alone and if not for the deal
with the officer, he would ignore them at all. Now he started to study these
brochures. He got obsessed with Lenin's writings. As much he would read same
brochures over and over again, - nothing else he had to do to keep busy
himself, - as much he missed and idolized Vladimir, who never admitted to him
to be an author of such sophisticated writings and obviously pretended
uninterested and unaware when he would bring conversations about brochures'
themes.

"How smart, how great conspirator he was. How good he could conceal his
genius thoughts. He could be a great thief. How simple and crazy impression he
could leave on people", - Stalin would think. "How well he knows the world,
people around."- He thought after reading a sentence "The religion is
marihuana for the people", which remained him the priest of his native
village who would secretly sale marihuana to him. He made his life mission to
educate people and prepare for the revolution. Thus, Stalin became first real
revolutionary of the Russia. Vladimir and his friends were rejoicing in Europe
after cold Siberia: warm environment, new girls, new drinks. They found out
that any kind of foreign revolutionary organization could get grants from the
government. They decided to create a club which they named sexual revolution.
But there was a split in principles. Vladimir insisted in equality of men and
women. Some argued with him, telling that it is against man's traditional
dignity to go down to woman. Vladimir got majority of the vote. They separated
and created two clubs – Majoritarian ("Bolsheviks" in Russian) and
Minoritarian ("Mensheviks") sexual revolutionary clubs. The government
didn't lack sense of humor. They deleted the word "sexual" and declared
to Russia about the birth of two Russian revolutionary parties abroad. The
Europeans were not slow to ask huge sums from Russia to control their
activities.
Araik Margarian