News report: LOTR on Banned Texts List at Hogwarts

The List of Banned and Forbidden Texts has been released again at
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and this year it's
generating more than the usual amount of controversy. Among tomes
judged to be poisonous to young minds, such as Witch-Hunting for
Dummies and The Daily Financial Review, the popular novel Lord of the
Rings, by muggle writer J.R.R Tolkien, now resides.

"It's the first time we've had to ban a comedy" acknowledges Albus
Dumbledore, headmaster of the school. "Like everyone else, I had a
chortle over the concept of house-elves having their own noble society
and being wise and respected, but some things in that book are just
not suitable for young wizards and witches. I'm thinking of bringing
in some dementors for school security, and after reading about those
ringwraiths my students will run at first sight of them. And the
recurring theme of magic fading from the world has caused terrible
rumours, even among the staff".

Mr Dumbledore slams critics who claim he only opposes the book due to
the many references to a parody of himself. "I can take a joke with
the best of them" he defends. "Even when it gets past a joke. If I had
a galleon for every time those Weasley twins have used a grey
colour-changing spell on my robes while they're at the laundry…"

Much of the magical community can see his point, such as second year
student Draco Malfoy. "The only reason wizards are even in this book
is just to help muggles" he points out. "What sort of role model is
that? You even have a magical being giving up her heritage to marry a
muggle. It's a mudblood manifesto".

Why, then, such interest in Lord of the Rings? "It touches something
inside all of us" explains Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher
Gilderoy Lockhart. "It addresses that deep need we all have to be able
to face the dark lord and actually say his name. Sauron. Sauron. Look!
Nothing's happening! Sauron!"

The move to ban the book is not welcomed by all. "I've had a lot less
trouble keeping the students out of the forbidden forest since that
book became popular" says caretaker Hagrid. "Even the ones who have
pet spiders of their own. Still, they know it's just a book. It's not
as if we have some little chosen fellow running around HERE turning
invisible".

One of the hardest accusations leveled against the novel is that its
popularity exposes muggles to the secret magical world. However the
man best placed to confirm this insists that the opposite effect is
taking place. "It used to be a nightmare keeping everyone out of sight
of the muggles- I was swamped with work" says Arthur Weasley of the
Ministry of Magic. "Nowadays we can just stroll down any street in our
robes and people don't seem to notice. Except for the odd comment- I
don't suppose you know the meaning of the muggle word ‘Fanboy'?"
-Written by Steven Cavanagh, for Tolkienonline.com, 2001.
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Note: When this was published before it generated a lot of rabid fan
reaction convinced that I was flaming their book of choice, or
claiming that Rowling ripped off Tolkien, or they used this article to
express their hate for the other book. I'm just having a little fun
with some of the similarities.

Kalor wrote:

> ----------------------
> Note: When this was published before it generated a lot of rabid fan
> reaction convinced that I was flaming their book of choice, or
> claiming that Rowling ripped off Tolkien, or they used this article to
> express their hate for the other book. I'm just having a little fun
> with some of the similarities.

I love Tolkiena, and I think you piece is a hoot! Bravo!

Bob Kolker