A dictionary for the ladies

Sent to me by my better half:

A Dictionary for Women





1. Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. -- A discussion that occurs when
you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
2. Airhead (er*hed) n. -- What a woman intentionally becomes when
pulled over by a policeman.
3. Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. -- You bought the groceries, washed
the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the
meat, and cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner".
4. Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. -- Gotta get married in a church.
5. Childbirth (child*brth) n. -- You get to go through 36 hours
of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus...
breathe....push...."
6. Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. -- An appliance designed to
eat socks.
7. Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. -- A drink you buy at a convenience
store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&M's.
8. Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. -- The last two minutes of a
football game. Or basketball game
9. Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. -- To walk up and down a mall,
occasionally resting to make a purchase.
10. Grocery list (grow*ser*ee list) n. -- What you spend half an
hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
11. Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. -- Someone who is able to
create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See
"Magician".
12. Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. -- Similar to a black hole
in space: if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
13. Lipstick (lip*stik) n. -- On your lips, coloring to enhance
the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would
wear...!
14. Park (park) v./n. -- Before children, a verb meaning "to go
somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a
swing set and slide.
15. Patience (pa*shens) n. -- The most important ingredient for
dating, marriage, and children. See also "tranquil- izers".
16. Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. -- A day when you have
dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and ro- mance, but consider
yourself lucky to get a card.
17. Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. -- Comes off if
you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove
it

> Sent to me by my better half:
>
> A Dictionary for Women
>
> 1. Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. -- A discussion that occurs when
> you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
> 2. Airhead (er*hed) n. -- What a woman intentionally becomes when
> pulled over by a policeman.
> 3. Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. -- You bought the groceries, washed
> the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the
> meat, and cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner".
> 4. Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. -- Gotta get married in a church.
> 5. Childbirth (child*brth) n. -- You get to go through 36 hours
> of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus...
> breathe....push...."

while you crush the bones in his hand to a fine powder and blame him for
(insert appropriate item here ___________ ).

> 6. Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. -- An appliance designed to
> eat socks.

But only one of a pair at a time.

> 7. Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. -- A drink you buy at a convenience
> store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&M's.
> 8. Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. -- The last two minutes of a
> football game. Or basketball game
> 9. Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. -- To walk up and down a mall,
> occasionally resting to make a purchase.
> 10. Grocery list (grow*ser*ee list) n. -- What you spend half an
> hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Usually found with the coupons and checkbook you also forgot.

> 11. Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. -- Someone who is able to
> create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See
> "Magician".
> 12. Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. -- Similar to a black hole
> in space: if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
> 13. Lipstick (lip*stik) n. -- On your lips, coloring to enhance
> the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would
> wear...!
> 14. Park (park) v./n. -- Before children, a verb meaning "to go
> somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a
> swing set and slide.

Also, v. -- What you do with the minivan full of kids before the soccer
game. As in : "Shut up, I am trying to park the $*($*&)_%#@@ van."

> 15. Patience (pa*shens) n. -- The most important ingredient for
> dating, marriage, and children. See also "tranquil- izers".
> 16. Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. -- A day when you have
> dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and ro- mance, but consider
> yourself lucky to get a card.
> 17. Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. -- Comes off if
> you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove
> it


--
I'm glad my Mom named me Aaron,
That's what everybody calls me.

Hemidemisemideity of Anonymous Eponymity
Patron Saint of Hair Color Changing
Currently: Removed color. Golden blonde is
what is left, with faint murmurs of black
Holder of a provisional pedant licens/ce
(limited to the area of physical sciens/ce)
Member of ABMLNCSC - Base singer, very base
"Mommy, make daddy stop singing".

I dye my hair so much my driver's license
has a color wheel. Nancy Mura