ralph ( the stoners bible )

ralph ( the stoners bible )
+++

"ralph's a car"

+++


with an alien skull in th back window
"and two unciycles on th seats"

didn't she smile ?

+++


"walkin a very old german shepard"

+++


just got back from barbie girls

buyin some pot


had a cuppa with kuta lady
so you got a few chicks callin again too

hmmm

+++

music on


random
kinda


chris isaak
"wicked game"

+++

when yur sittin consuming in th park

dont sit on yur stash

split it up

make it harder for th man to get it


all


+++


packin a cone


if yur handed a packed bong
you should ask if they want one packed too
by you

+++


some of us take seven tokes
to smoke a cone

some do it in one


some go both ways


it doesn't really matter

it's about taking drugs

not being competitive about it

+++


bloody sarong
not doing as it's told

+++


who am i gunna call on valentines day ?

+++

portishead
"all mine"

+++


no way
never goin there again

+++



vanessa ?
"i dont think it was her name"
"didnt react to it"

hmm


<<< smile >>>


"jeez yur a mungrel"

+++


she was cute though

+++


"not as cute as th boy who stayed quite a bit longer"
we beg to differ
"yes"

+++


he could play music

+++


i dont belong to anbody
i belong to me

+++


"it was foreplay she was having"
which we all got off on
told her this arv

"she walked out of her bedroom"
"with a boy"

"and in th door comes her ex girlfriend"


they still love each other

+++


moby
"porcelain"

+++


throwin each other around th kitchen

+++


"playin tarzan and jane"

"pretty goth girl and her ex"


+++


do i like her enough
to put up with th extra pain ?

+++


"i'll try to give you yur ten months"
"gettin harder"

massive attack
"radiation ruling th nation"

"if we didnt go out singing and unicyclin"
"would probably be easier"

bad addiction

"like this one"

we all got addictions

+++


talkin to th doctors

about pot

justifying
pain medication


accomodation is a biggie


i stop smoking
for a couple of days a week

depending on my pain loads
and availability
lets face t

street drug
pay top dollar


and


i dont need as much then
for pain relief


$25 a week if
no contact with chicks


last week

$100


this week


$50



last week met

like six chicks in five nights
and

connections happen



ruled by my testicles
and tryin to keep em behavin


enjoy life anyway

+++


bit of pot and a unicycle

keeps em comfortably numb

cant ride


took out
a post on friday night


after midnight


in th clubbin crowd

on my unicycle

and th left knee is a bit swollen


maybe ride tomorrow

tonight i got drugs


and privacy



"kinda"


+++


"blocks th blood supply"
"a fairly natural remedy"

"takes pot to get on"
"they're sensitive little testicles"

"i find answers to my problems"



"lets me sing to pretty chicks in th street"
"and th odd pretty boy"


+++


not havin th sexchange
i dont like wearing shirts

im with peter andre
you ppl are full of shit


i live in th subtropics

feel for women
when it's hot

my gay lady friends and i
talk about it sometimes

it's been interesting
some of th things i learned

+++



kylie minogue
"slow"

+++


"black and white"

+++


think positive
fly wheel doesnt travel forwards
less yur hangin off th front of it

+++


ya dont generally
have to go backwards much


not usually more than seven pedals
usually more in tune with th ppl in th crowd


dont generally have to utter a sound
to surf thru th walking nightclubbing crowd


+++


"is that a banana leaf ?"
"try to chop it with th shark fin"
"every time we go thru"

+++


led zeppelin
"ramble on"

+++


sittin on th back deck of th farm
listening to this

not long after it came out

overlooking

six acres of bananas



can sing loud


turned th stereo up
as loud as ya like

no-one can hear it


great sound deadeners


listening to this
sixteenth birthday party

we're all runnin around

in th banana forest


just dont lift any of th bags
around th bunches

big snakes


otherwise

all cool



keep an ear out for wild pigs

they come down and

eat th pecan nuts


they're wary
we trap em

th younguns

and fatten em for th table
and cross breed em with domestic pigs


these are already spotty buggers

you'll hear em
dont worry about it

if ya get spooked


ya can see th house lights

glimpsed thru th trees


ok go



mum and dad pissed


turned off th lights
and

went to bed to go screw


we're all lost in th banana forest

havin fun
and

we were all pissed too


thanks folks

my parents were cool

+++


cake
"i will survive"

+++


i know ya killed her
yugoslav divorce

lead injection


he shot her ya dumb bitch


but i remember you guys bein in love

ya missed me ya old prick

when im depressed
i wish ya hadnt


not depressed today

+++


he's my identical twin brother
but mum had really strong thighs
and wouldnt let him out for three years

it's why he's twice my size


we're half brothers

they call me


black

+++

im th black sheep of th family

+++


mum told a few tales

i even heard some of em

when she'd had fifteen or so too many sherries

+++

what a fuckin mix


mum brought up by maids
dad brought up in a peasant village


grew up with

one kind of thing in a sandwich

ever


first time i saw a

blt

i was


fuck

+++


didnt eat lamb
till my late teens


both parents had mutton
more mutton

and more mutton

in th migrant camps

+++


massive attack
"protection"

+++


ya gotta catch busted diff paultje

"i love that pig dad"


"been paralised in th rear since his mum sat on him"
"and th fucker's lived"
"runs on two legs"

he's getting too big
cant get around like he used to
i love him too paultje

we have to kill him now


put him in th larder
this is life


"fucked dad, he was a fighter"

"and he's fuckin hard to catch"


'you goin right ear right leg ?"

'ok i ll take left"
'bloody left handers"


'we're gunna get torn up"

'we got seven other piglets all gunna be runnin around our feet"
'did ya have to bring an audience ?"
'all yur fuckin mad mates are here"

'i want another slivovitz"
'before we go into action"


'we who are about to get torn up"
"wont feel a fuckin thing"

'hey you taught it to me"

..
..
..


'stop gloating and cut his throat"
'im gettin ripped to pieces"
'im too light for this"

'they cant even hang on to th rear end and it's fuckin paralised"
'ya always leave these things go too late"
"ya sentimental old prick"

'oh yeah"
"what abou those so called calves"
'and we've just gotta denut em"

'who's with me in th crowd ?"

'i see five hands"
'and everyone's laughin at ya"

'im fuckin bleedin"
'th old lady;s gunna have a heart attack"
'all she can hear is th screams"

'so human"
'when a big pig dies"


'sorry mate"
'we grok ya though"

'fuck he fought hard dad"

'had enough respect from humans"
'like eight guys showed up"

'we're doin busted diff in th mornin"
"then takin him to ***** and choppin him up on th band saw
next mornin


early

no we'll put him in th cold room

and have a party
doin his mum for th spit

ya wanna come ?


he used to run across that pen

he got out one time


we were used to
havin to catch healthy pigs

and occasionally

one would get bush again


hmm

nother spotty gone wild


th big mother sows

used to ram th pen


busted diff gave us much gyp




remember him bein born

normal fine piglet

and huge bitch sow
sat on him

she didnt know he was there


we shunted him around for a bit

made sure he fed

ok

it was me



ya had t fight th sow every now and then

but th piglets were just mad
feedin time at th farm

dad she's got me pinned
yank me out

when they lean on ya
ya know about it


look ya old bitch

just tryin t make sure this little fella has a fightin chance

he's almost normal weight now


+++

massive attack
"inertia creeps"

+++


chicken george

was a rooster
who lived with ducks

th other roosters pecked him near to death

man he got big



i rescued him from th tub
more than a couple of times

till he got big enough


we all rescued george


th ducks didnt bother him



when he was full grown


he went back in th hen coop


[deleted]

ah man



all th black chickens


th ones that layed brown eggs
all fell in love with him

he was a cross breed mungrel



+++

th ducks were muscovy
gave one to a girlfriend
came back full grown and

thouroughly spoiled


took ages to reintegrate her


was a really cute duckling

hey helene



some have to be fostered
cant survive in th pen


i had more than one duckling

loose in my bedroom


been hassled too bad
by th pack


wouldnt know about em sonmetimes

litle brother

or mum

or dad

or th black guy wthat worked with us


would just drop em in


we had feral chickens
roosting it in th kitchen
for ages


ya'd go for a glass of water
and five chooks would wake up


too tired to chase chickens

and put em in th big pen

think th snakes have made another hole in th chicken wire


i aint wakin him up

see no evil
hear no evil
tell no evil


go back to sleep ya dumb fuckin chickens
and stop shittin in th sink


ya blew out th old lady th other day


shittin in th sink
and nowhere else

and not a chicken to be seen at dawn


screamin at us
who left th window open ?

hey it;s new to us too


ok
so mum isnt as mellow with chickens
as th previous ihabitants


ya do smell guys


an effluvium
at breakfast

after feedin all th mad animals


that fresian cow is an idiot
if ya give it a lead injection
i wouldnt lose a fuckin tear

she wont let it feed
and i cant catch her

have to catch th jersey

jesus she's a bitch
takin me ages

ya could help



he'
s workin at th beach
buildin a second story

im that fucked
i can barely get to school

fuck it i aint goin

i got
thirty kilo of bananas to cut up yet


ya know he's fuckin swimmin th surf this mornin

i know
i lived there last week



yeah
you go to work
and go sit down at yur desk
and pretend yur out valuin houses


who ya visitin today ?


been on your rounds


i'll just be here runnin round like a maniac

i am not goin ridin in th hills on my motorbike with my mates
you heard a motorbike come thru yet today ?

i need th key to th petrol shed
and you know it
i gotta slash th citrus today

ya seen it ?
gettin too high


i'll nick off for a play
but th citrus'll be slashed

i got a girlfriend comin this arve
to come help me feed th animals


ah fuck off

no


just stay away
go and visit ++++ and have a couple sherry's


stay away from my girlfriends


yeah i do still have to milk th fresian
otherwise he dont get a drink

she's a bitch

heard me swearin hey ?


i had to catch her twice


we got two nice bull calves


ok
if ya gunna be home

just for a change you can come for th walkaround
and th grand tour

few things changd since th last time you poked ya nose into anything

do you know how big that sow is in th holding pen ?

i got crushed ribs
yur totally unaware


+++


kylie minogue
"chocolate"

+++

i dont regret any of it though
none of th hard work


or th cold bitter winter mornings
makin gruel for th pigs


walkin over frosted ground
and tryin to call th cow


they got plenty feed
and it's nice sweet grass

in th backwash

and i dont wanna use
too much stock feed
to bring my girls home

time for yur boys to eat
ya big black and white bitch


dont make it hard for me today
i brought a pretty girl
to come say hi to ya


sit down ben
or i'll tie ya to th fence
dont scare em away


doberman


he'd sit


ok
we catch th jersey first
tie her to th fence


and her calf comes to feed


she's th bitch queen
our fresian lady

i dunno
maybe she's got sensitive teats


<<< smile >>>



cmon girl

tie her to th fence

no

it's kinda

so she cant back up

and get a runnin kick into me



give me safe place to dive to



if ya wanna try

on th jeresy yeah

but not this girl


she kicks


now splash it all over his face
ok he's on


wanna scratch her ears like this ?


keeps her calm

chris isaak
"wicked game"

just stay on that side of th fence


+



"she's pushed her food bowl"
"all th way down th sty"

"likes to argue"
"penned and"


"none too happy about it"
"i dont make th rules"

"yur mum and dad are comin to th pig on th spit"
"so i guess you are too"


"alright madam bitch"
"this is fair lady helene"

"dont spill muck on er"


"lovely austrian australian girl"

"Talk nice to her"
"before ya offer her violence babe"

"she wont really conk you on th head if ya hurt her boyfriend"
"she's still upset cause yur sister cow kicked me"
"and im limpin"

"can i just have that bowl dear ?"
"wanna give ya some yummy food"
"the grrengrocer man has outdone himself today"
"smell those tomatos"

"i know ya love em"
"here girl"
"eat this"


"dont eat th fingers"


"fuckin cannibal pig"
"stop laughin you arent helpin"

"i'll throw it at ya in a minute ya big bitch"
"settle down"


"ok"
"dig in"

"every body stand back ten paces"

"you got a bit on yur blouse there"

"scuse me"
"ill just get that"


"she's a messy eater"


"<<< smile >>>"

+++



th piglets are mad
we'll feed mum

first


ill give ya th sign
and you come over th wall


she knocks me down
to get th food


and they're up to solids


i am not food


hi boy and girls

breakfast


gunna be a near thing gettin it in th trough

why are th sides so high ?


watch this



white and black pigs can jump


yeah come on in
she's happy

couple still on th tit


shes always been a good mum



have a look at this guy

busted diff


we dont have to watch out for him anymore

see how big his belly is



ok
i'll teach ya how to catch one

not th bigest one
he bites

i'll only catch him once


no-one likes him

not mum
not anybody

he'll be first to go


grab


hi little
ummm


what's this one ?


stop squirmin


they're nice at this age



she's a girl



she'll live longer

nice colour
nice size

puttin on weight nice


and pretty well behaved
likes ppl


she'll grow to be as big and as cantankerous
as that owd bitch up on th concrete hill
and as spoiled


busted diff ?


family consensus
is

cake
"i will survive"


as long as he can
get around
and they dont hassle him too much


he bites
we'll feed him
and make sure he's

comfortable


dont have to do anythin special for him anymore
he's made his adjustment

he's disabled
but he's found a way to get around

fuck he's a pig

once he's in

they cant get him out

and he cant feel it
when they bite him in th rear


he's funny

long as he's got his head in th trough
he'll be right


he's walking
wow

lady helene
id liek to present to you


busted diff
the walking pig


get outta his road babe
they wanna play
they've had their feed


gunna be a free for all in here in a minute

time we exited



+++



mad pig


+++



i think farming consists of

lots and lots of
slowly healing bruises


we gotta thin down th muscovys

like sixty in that


flock


i walked in th gate and



was solid duck



+++


i remember you guys bein cute and greedy fucks
but really

get off my head

since th flight feathers came in
life in th aviary is never dull


dont stand on th chicken


chicken george




lookit that
his feathers have grown back


he's about th same size as this lot

they grew up together


he's gunna be a big boy

you wait and see


he doesnt look skinny does he ?

a rooster who thinks he's a duck


we'll set him right one day

+++


these are black chickens

they lay brown eggs


but real rich yolk

and these are


reds

white chickens
white eggs


couple of cross breeds


three roosters in here now

sorta get on

every now and then


one dies



these are three brothers


brother to chicken george

they had a black mother
and a white and black father

chicken george is already bigger than his brothers
he lives on a different diet

+++

kylie minogue
"chocolate"

+++


changed to watchin

category six
day of destruction


diasaster flick

+++


"comin in fast and heavy"

+++

strectching is
got some injuries to work on

+++


got th munchies

jumped in th limo
and lammed to th servo

french fries sticks

and peanuts



+++


"havent done that in a while"

+++


"his brother kenny died in a carcrash"
"he was th wild brother"
"who do ya reckon he was tryin to replace ?"

+++

stoicism

+++

harmony

+++


still offline

+++


no credit

+++


nice disaster flick

+++


survival is

be in th right place at th right time


like

dont run and grab a gun that doesnt work
just cuse it's sittin out on th table like


set a trap for me ya bugger

+++


i'm too wary to grab instinctively

+++


been hunting with you

+++


massive attack
"protection"

+++
well i'm happy now
knew when we started baggin th special effects


time to go eat some light pasta

yeah i'll take him to school in th morning little brother




our quality time

+++


"nicole kidman dumpd her billionaire boyfriend"
so says th boob tube
"magazine"


care factor

+++

ended up readin an article on th first
ppl's car

volkswagen


+++

massive attack
"inertia creeps"

+++

kuta lady asked me to pick up th hair tie
said in yesterdays page

can tie my hair up again

+++


healing good

be back on th wheel tomorrow

steel post and unicycling kneecap
make for sore leg


+++


got th swelling down
lucky break

didnt damage th kneecap by th feel of it
stop laughin dean


just cause in our last convo
we were talkin

unicycle safety gear

you done gone and smashed yur bearings since then



it's extreme unicycling

some of th stacks are gunna hurt


<<< smile >>>


+++



2 grazed knees

+++


"means we got nice drugs tonight"
"didnt go out last night"
"recuperating"

+++


and breathe out

+++


aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


+++



all audio random

pass
pass



garbage
"medication" ( acoustic )


+++



everything happens for a purpose


+++


synchronicity is easy to check

do you want th answers it gives you ?

+++

how good is my karma ?




drive down th road
dont look at th fuel gauge
and when th car stops

bail out

and see how far i have to walk

ten feet


sit in a truck cab for five kilometres


buy five bucks worth of juice

trek across th highway
how far i walk?

five feet

on th brakes before i've finished my crossing

beat me to a stop

on th side of th road


nice fella


five feet is being kind


drops me opposite my car


ok




i'm happy with that experiment

+++



bjork
"play dead"

+++


talkin to four or five girls

but i havent put credit in my phone yet


not serious till im texting

still playin dead


if i start screwin ya
or worse
live with ya

th pain goes up
more pain
more often


not at first
which is th trap

the first six months
are heaven

ah number eight
i got my heels stuck in th dirt

+++

alex lloyd
"my way home"

+++


it's always like this in my life

i get interested in girls again

i look around

and i got five
milling around



on a bad day i'll say
i always make th wrong decision
and go with th wrong girl


but that aint it


i sit down
you are going to hurt me

when th sex life dries up
you are going to hurt me

my hypersensitive testicles
will drive me out th door

or you'll throw me out

gone out with a few
violent femmes

dont blame em
generally


after th pain of separation
has gone away

+++



bill hicks
"lift me lord"

+++


"heal my perception so i may only know reality"

+++


reality is sore testicles

+++

terry jackson
"seasons in the sun"

1973



cute

+++


this autumn promises to be interesting

1973
i travelled thru a european summer and autumn

in a kombi

+++


come and have a look at th stallion

th aboriginal guy up th road
is tryin to teach me how to ride a horse

he's in on adjistment
rarely comes to see him


he let me ride him bareback
cause i slip him food
from th pig's ration

so does dad


th girl cant get a saddle on im

too wild


he's a funny bugger

big


keetah

he wants a pat
dont put yur fingers near his mouth

that'd be a bad thing


he aint a fuckin slave

+++


"yur third name is lover of horses"
exactly

+++


"still pissed off"
"yur girlfriend rode over yur puppie on her horse"

it was a nice blue cattle dog

didnt name it a colour
ah fuck

any other curses i should know about ?

+++


we drink to you busted diff
to your courage

"and it took four of us to catch you"
"my ribs are still sore"

pietro and i share th tail
"rare ya call me that"

we caught him together
their bit wasnt fighting

"thanks dad"
"no fuck ya's it's ours"


"i can remember sittin on yur mother screamin at er to stay"

"so you could get a feed'

"uncommonly stubborn pig"



'made gorgeous porkchops'
'we got a share'

somebody tell th peanut gallery to shut th fuck up

dig in ppl

+++

we grokked you
it was a nice party

+++


i nicked us a couple of long necks of fourex beer
dont think they'll miss us for a while


ok i liberated em
he's in a good mood with me
he wont care


he's already poured a few down my throat

yeah i know he's not my dad

he let me freeze in an alpine pass

fuck he regrets it though


nice man inside him


my bedroom should be safe
they're all down th bottom
of th farm


yur mum said you could stay overnight
you know my old lady


<<< smile >>>
she likes you


have ya gotta write down what music yur listening to
when ya write me love letters

drives me nuts


i dont have it on record


and im listenin to th radio too
flickin stations tryin to find th right song

ok what inspired this ?


yeah i know i do it too


i know what'll stop you talking


..
..
..



pietro

+++

p.s.

maroon 5
"she will be loved"

+++

kuta lady

will probly get eight calls today


one of em will be from me

st valentine's day

***


if th girl yur layin on top of
isnt th most pretty girl in th world
from yur lips

yur mad

just remember when ya walk thru th next door
to yur other girlfriend


to think th same thing


and say it



and try and ignore they;re studyin together


<<< smile >>>

+++

happy st valentine's day

+++


van gelis
"chariots of fire"

+++

hmm

cmon windows


how fuckin cliche


course

id stick a unicycle in th surf
at dawn

on a big beach
to beautiful music

and just dance in th waves
catchin tiddlers to th shore

just a big kid really
like most of us

ya dont actually grow old
ya just get older

neotony
a species juvenile in it's adult form

adult

+++

load of crap really
anyone with eyes can see that

+++


black eyed peas

"track no18"

+++


cmon kuta lady
there'll be at least five girls
who'll call you today

"including me"

+++


"wanna go back to html ?"

+++


"i got this space"

+++

kylie
"track no08"

+++


cassandra early warning detection sytem reboot:

+++


"scary"

knew eleven days beforehand

+++

violent femmes
"waiting for th bus"

+++


something gunna fall out of th sky it was

with the land surfer supposed to come back online
december 25

dont like predicting death

fuck ya's



ugh



and waiting is

what fucking disaster is it this time ?


city high
"what would you do"

find a rock
and hide under it

kuta was bad enough


rode over th mountain of kuta
on a unicycle

couple weeks

before kuta beach
erupted


kuta is a volcano
our banana farm was in it's crater

mt coot tha

tagged th mountain
lady friend called kuta lady and her girlfriend named me

kutaman


kutaman beat kuta on a unicycle


kuta running around my brain


how do ya spell it ?
how do ya pronounce it ?


we found th kuta cafe
on top of th mountain

kuta lady
her girlfriend jennifer

and i


the offspring
"no brakes"


i rode over her
with no brakes
on 27 wheel


STRAIGHT

no drugs



spent a long time in a bath afterwards


my kind dont take holidays overseas
i never heard of a place called

kuta beach

my online diary
one night before th attack

im talkin kuta
and post a picture of a beach


i'm afraid

+++


i tell ppl
they tell me they're afraid

it's just magic
i wanted it

it's what ya get for tryin to train it
dont try