recipe for many burns

hot day ( doin th ton )
+++

stinkin hot
went over th old fashioned ton
100 degrees fahrenheit


idiot me
i was on a roof

got a little burnt
shouldnt be too bad

wasnt wearin a shirt

no sunscreen

ohmigod



in a street named after some

TLAC

tinpot little african country


felt like it too

well named


where'd my hot coffee go ?

+++


sittin on th railing
well i'll be fucked

it was waitin to join me in th bath
stupid coffee

i went to smoke some drugs first

+++


"i see nicole's gettin married"
yeah
ok

like we havent seen that on a glossy mag before
more power to er if she does

"i like nicole"
you and a squillion others


don't think she'd change her last name to bing do ya ?

"i dunno, ppl are weird"


doesnt bear thinkin


"i'll just have to have another cone"

hey go easy

that's gotta last till bedtime

+++



why th hoi paloi

sue me ya prick


wanna live out there

has got me fucked

it's four degrees cooler here

"fashion"


see fashion is stupid

+++


humpin tiles off a roof
in th blazing sun

cause they laid it too shallow

and it fuckin leaks


been like that

well forever



we put tin on it
won;t leak now
touch wood

and cleaned and prepped th roof


so the boys can paint it later




got caught a couple times
by th lady of th house
with my head in th pool



get th afro nice and wet
t;s better than a hat

+++


"gotta go knock th core temperature down"
i had an hour in a an air conditioned car on th ride home

"that's what th limo needs next"
air con;s not good for ya
when ya gunna work hard
and get hot

i aint gettin outta air con
to go

ride th unicycle ballisic

if that;s what you';re thinkin


+++


"wanna go for a fly on th unicycle ?"

maybe later


food woman


have a big feed first

+++



i wonder if jane started chasin after that billionaire woman again
was around th corner from her house

ya mad irish bitch

+++


"versace this and versace that"

versace lady jane

+++


"you might be right"
trust me

+++


"We still got some label pants ?"
yeah but th unicycle shit on em

"<<< smile >>>"

+++


i dint buy em

+++


bought my last pair though
they fit better

[deleted]

+++



waitin for th truck to get home
gotta be unloaded
we might wait till dark

it's after five
and th sun's still got bite in it

+++


summer is definitely here

+++


southern hemisphere mate

+++


sun's ragin


+++


makes xmas funny

+++


readin that delta
is goin to th states

to see if she can crack it

good luck


maybe we wont hear so much about ya

and see yur image as much


in th glossie ads

+++

kuta lady just came over
i got in trouble for bein naked


she's stopped peeking though


she's got selena coming around
yummie

+++


she only wants to sleep with em
does kuta lady


findin it hard


we all have that problem
at some stage

+++



th whole lot have had their hair done
she gave me th rundown

not sure if i was listening


ohmigod

selena has got normal hair

+++

"and not blonde"

+++

let's go swimmin kuta lady

+++


ya gotta see selena in a swimsuit man

kuta lady and i

just both sit there


transfixed


i smoke lotsa drugs around selena
sexy as


th testies can only handle so much


+++


last time we saw her together
kuta lady was like

lookit that paulie
isnt she lookin fine ?

+++


i can probly go have that bath now
"psychic prick"
she used to always be rippin me outta my bath


forgave er though

cause she always called me
when th pain was bad

you ok paulie ?


+++



you;re right babe
your tits are growin again

you love playin with em dont ya ?


think you;d get enough
th amount of women ya sleep with

+++


you;re funny


+++

and i;m off for a bath
..
..
..


+++


they might call me th shark
but i dry myself with
ten dolphins

+++


that was refreshing
and uninterrupted

+++

kuta lady used to sit

in th bathroom
while i bathed

and we'd do cones

smoke drugs man
sorry

more drugs over here


made me feel at home

like i was back at
th farm


havin drug sessions while i was in th bath


cum down still walks thru our door
and says

this place is

th farm


little brother's tryin to live it down

i did get pretty wild

+++


you;re just funny lady

+++

nearly ready to cremate dinner

+++

lamb chops tonight
with pasta


spinach fettucini i think


and do th chops

garlic ed



+++


got shallots ?
"yeah"


cool

+++


hmmm


+++


i had pasta surprise last night

+++


surprise
it's edible

better fuckin be

or th litle chinese woman
who taught me how to cook

would go spare

+++


miss cookin in th wok
big wok


makin dishes up
and
pretendin i was chinese

she was fun to work with
i could crack jokes while cookin

not while doin pork chunks though


bare hands


hot fat


recipe for many burns


"no paulie porkchunk"

said at four hundred miles an hour
what th fuck are you talking about ?

yeah i know
i got it written down as


recipe for many burns



but it's complete
and easy to read


waddya call em again ?

"porkchunks"


pork chunks

ok



now if yur brother just spoke a little more english

shutup number one sister
leave him alone
he's been choppin since he got here

yeah ok

he laughed


his english is gettin better



maybe it's watchin ren and stimpy with me
while we roll spring rolls

hey


your husband and i had a few too many cones last night
and beers


and didnt roll as many
while watchin th movie


give me a break


yeah
so i can go feed that big black crow some more curry chicken
he's a madman


i dint teach him that word

dont blame me


he's supposed to be learning english at that uni first


ya mad chinese woman
im not black i just look that way

thanks for th sarong


ok
and behave that way


yur heart will give out
if ya keep workin at that pace


yeah i'll try th salty fish


fuck


you;re not bringin durian in again

fuckin stinks
no way man


sits in th munchie bowl all day

and smells me out


there with th salty fish in it

always somethin there


i've finished choppin th beef strips
im gunna go join th young fella
and have dinner

ah come on
i dont like th satay

i eat my my black bean beef in preference

i'll try a bit ok


wot's different > ?

ah fuck off




you've added something



what ?


ok

i'll catch ya one day


dont encourage her
i work hard enough

how long we been here today ?

fifteen ?


+++


it's ninety percent preperation
and ten percent cooking

+++



i did it for a living

fuckin hot

slavin over a dirty big wok

+++


all th black animals want feedin
includin me


better put on a sarong

comfortable living

+++


..
..
..

just call me rodney try hard

came runnin back thru th door
to get into

shorts

and go unload th truck



might go see th xmas lights with kuta lady later on


now i;m hot again

shower time

+++


"then dinner ok"

+++

longbeach filter today
alpine filters yesterday
b and h th day

before that

+++


looks like you';re playin in a gig jim

+++


fuck it's hot

+++

did i mention it's hot ?

+++

fuck it;s hot

been hearin it all day

+++

i sat with kuta lady earlier
she sat in th sun
i went for th shade


5.15 pm


five mintues
and she was sittin with me in th shade

still bitin

+++


"th funky wizards"

"hey that's my hat"

just th skin

+++


"where's our keyboardist ?"
down th coast where he lives


"saturday ?"
dunno

"give me a psychic answer then "

no


"that mean sunday's out ?"
probly

if ya wanna go to th beach sunday
ya cant go singin till dawn saturday night


"what do i do ?"

fucked if i know


+++


"could go missing"

+++

like you'll do that

+++

go singin with th keyboard player
womble


see what i can do

+++

"thanks wiz"

+++

sheryll



that's jane's nom de plume

well kinda

+++

at least she hasnt got red hair

+++



"th girls have all gone multi coloured"

+++

alright jennifer

+++


dont forget to jiggle

+++


"she wont"

+++


"Was funny but"
"cant keep her hands off her tits"

+++


just blues that up


oh dear


"my hands are too fuckin slow"
"will you hurry up and get off bitch"
"i wanna go nightclubbin"

+++



ok


+++


now which girlfriend was that one ?

+++


hmm


+++



might be jane

+++


"or morticia"
"give er a call"


+++


hmmm


+++


should never dump two girlfriends at once

remember that will ya jen ?

+++



"course in th jane version"

"when i squeeze her lemon"
"and her juice runs all down my leg"

[deleted]

+++


now now

+++


"there there"

+++


where where

+++

"edge of th island"

+++


screwin at dawn
on th edge of th island

with morticia


after leavin my facepaint over most of her shower
her bed


on th floor


floor upstairs

man i musta been out of it
when i walked in th door

+++


"morticia was lively"

+++


different story at sabrina's place washin up



i'd get a
dont you dirty up my fuckin bathroom paulie


and absolutely
no facepaint on my pillows


so i'd leave a trail of sand thru th house


you know


+++


been unicyclin in th surf
in facepaint
and clown pants


and umm

not sleepin at morticia's tonight

sleepin here


+++


some very fond memories

thank you

+++


dirty dancing
till four am

on a sunday night


gotta be at work

in brisbane
to drive a truck


by eight


and im
sleepin
down th coast

since friday night


just spent two nights with morticia


drained ads


crash with bree for a couple of hours

see ya sweetie


and drive home to have a shower
then off to work


at 40

+++



midlife crisis hit
i hit a unicycle

+++


had two weekend girlfriends

slept with both
only fucked one

all three of us
had silver hatch cars


it was fuckin cute
is what it was


and if catwoman/lee
wasnt takin me dirty dancin as well

i coulda just about carried it off


not mentioning minka

nup


+++


"cathy"

pain

+++


too sensitive

+++


"ok"

+++


"Ad"
which one ?
"3 isnt there ?"
yeah

"all three"


ad is womble
ad is adeleine
"yummie chocolate lady"
ad is jennifer th gay lady's ex boyfriend


+++


singin with womble in th street
after he started goin out with catwoman

she'd sit
and talk

until he'd made enough
she could go clubbin


and then drag me dancin


and back out
to sing some more

ride th unicycle some more


and i was singin with

three other guys at th same time


i was a busy boy

+++


morticia's friend
umm


+++


morticia and sabrina were goin to adult college together

+++


"to my ears they stopped being friends"

+++



"paulie ?"


+++


well they called themselves th witches of eastwick

+++

and they were after a warlock

+++


"wizard"

so


+++



meet my price or ya can get fucked


+++


"<<< smile >>>"

well two of em still ring

+++


im sorry surfers paradise
we ran over budget

and paulie went broke for a while
it wasnt sustainable


for me

+++



all those wonderful ppl
who helped to bring th wizard to th street

th make up
th props

th behind th scenes stuff ya just dont see


and i was awful lost


but i really did enjoy

that standing ovation that time


in th main street

as i rode past on my unicycle

balancing a surfboard
above my head

on one hand


like a waiters tray


while my little assistant

doll

did a hang ten
off th front of th board


fuck i felt good

nowhere else
has gotten


th same level of
professionalism i guess

i had a make up artist
a good one

who did my faces


and they were

just stunning


did convincing
darth maul
demons


for th night time
nightclubber crowd


i am so tame now


well


except maybe last full moon

life like blood all over the left arm
got th coppers goin
in th fortitude valley in brisbane

at th end of th night



ya do what ya can

+++


i've done some strange stuff

+++

although

dirty dancin with five chicks
while done up as darth maul

man

that was a fuckin kick

+++


jesus minka was good


+++


i'm still in mourning

my artistic soul


she'd do a face
and then stand there and look at it

and shake her head
wasn;t th face she thought she was doing


really psychic woman
and pained with it

she could
reach inside you
and paint th face you wanted

she did this skeletal mask one night

almost
dayglow


and i was singin with little robbie
and this chick
just climbed on top of me
and asked to stick her tongue down my throat


she did

i said yeah

waddya reckon ?


climbin off
out of th cuddle

i see she's got an imprint

of minka's face


i offer to clean up her face
she's off clubbin
won;t have any of it

and my mask was

just as perfectly applied
as when it went on

fuck it was good makeup


+++


took some scrubbin
at five or six am

usually at morticia's

but not always


couple of other houses as well


the unicycle man
as i was known then
always left behind a trail of destruction

face makeup
up th walls of th bathroom

made it hard to hide

where i was


well mostly

+++


and i was writin an online diary
at th time

read by morticia
and bree


and a few others who shall remain nameless

ya find me yet ?

+++


adeleine doesnt get mentioned much

+++

not much at all
at th time

+++


i was a busy boy

+++


worked in those days
two to three years ago


now they pay me to ride my unicycle
as part of my pain management program


it works for me
for my sore testicles anyway

go figure

+++


oh yeah

just went and made a coffee
casual glance at th sky


bewdy
scattered cloud

no three sisters
to bug me

three times on saturday night
in th space of ten minutes

th three sisters

popped out from behind a building


as i came around th corner


different corners

not thinkin about it

not intentioanlly lookin at th sky

just

look up
and

fuck

th three sisters

+++


been blocking

+++


i hate it when it does that

+++


more drugs over here


+++




skiing
on a unicycle thru th traffic
at surfers paradise


usin pool noodles as th poles


+++



used to sit on my car
and talk to th car crowd


th coppers killed it ya know
th wonderful parade of vehicles we had in th street


and i'd get
get off your arse and get back to work


***


i've had some good times in surfers paradise
laid in a nightclub front doorway




i'm a legend here
at home
in th valley


so they tell me
and mostly

when i travel to surfers paradise
and ride thru it

someone generally comes along
and

hey man
havent seen ya for a bit
you are a legend


hi

+++



for a while

i was in brissie
friday nights

and surfers paradise
saturday nights


and i
met a few ppl
who were in both places


saw ya last friday
out of it slide on th unicycle
and run th light
cuttin off all th cars


and seen ya tonight in th surf

+++



freaks th fuck out of ppl
unicyclin in th surf

just stand there and

grab your hand and
dont know how to let go


bit like that guy saturday night
after that mega slide
in th wet


+++



twistin heads


+++



i nearly fell off

dont fall doin th hard stuff

fall off
over a pebble

+++


new whoop in th bitumen

hello


road's moved
i dont remember this being here


fourth time tonight man
get it in there


+++

there's always th wag in th crowd

if ya fall off


has just gotta say

you need more practise


here mate
you show me

i;ve met better than me
always willing to watch someone wheelwalk my beast


i surf on a unicycle

that was th end of
a

beautiful

three quarter of an hour wave


you dont know shit


but ya dont say that

do ya?




dont like it when a wave ends at a fuckhead


im back in th zone
on th first half pedal

specially if th music is in th ears



gotta get better headphones
sometimes

it's really nice to not hear fuckheads sayin th same things


like

where's your other wheel ?


ya know
generally


when ya start bitin back too much

it's time for a break from th crowd


i ride a mans bike

is from a whole other issue


girl's bike's have got two wheels

and no

im not gunna watch th girls race
over th alps next year


i ride unicycles over mountains
same size wheel

little mountains today


but then
i can remember

when i was back ridin

in surfers paradise

i couldnt freemount th unicycle


when i could carry a surfboard
and ride in th surf

th lifeguards used to move their four wheel drive for me

so i could launch

back then
i'd get

one in a hundred freemounts


today

i get

99 in a hundred freemounts


perfection is not possible


we surf th real world




my goals are my own

+++


i wanna ride brown mountain
but not when it;s really fuckin cold

+++


"and mt jerusalem"
dirt track last time i looked

"so"

got a point

+++


kuta lady at th door

+++


further

my goodies bike
converted to a solo

utility

will be a utility
is solo


anyway
i mentioned him yesterday

today th truck pulls in

and we offload like

250 fuckin tiles


right where further lives



so umm


i was sayin th front brakes need work last night

he's out of his hole

timin's good


im forever fixin him up

but with each fix

he gets stronger

better fabricated


started as a rusting

seventies
three seater bicycle frame

still rusting in places


but lotsa paint on it
to slow it down


+++

i had to shift jennifer two as well

looks like tomorrow might be

workshop day


the surf wheel needs work
rim hittin th frame


and th young fella's
mountainbike
has got gear problems

and further needs his front brakes rebuilt

i've shelved th
tour de france racer

she's in storage


+++


later

..
..
..

the unicycle man

+++

p.s.


hey minka
this chick came up last week

and was rubbin my hair
same way you do

fuck i miss ya

+++

maybe after xmas
down th coast

undecided for xmas day this year

+++

might go bushwalking

+++

i like that
occasionally

go out

a nice long walk into th jungle
and get seriously bent


thoroughly lost
and walk out


when my gift cant take me to safety anymore
then i stay...


it's a karmic test
fun one

you can get very tired
<<< Smile >>>